Sunday, December 13, 2009
AK47 was really curious to meet the 14 cosmonauts! When he peeked into the steely lab room (through a one way mirror), where the 'emaciated' slum dwellers were kept, he asked in fascination, are these Jewish remanents of the Nazi Holocaust? or are they Genetically Engineered Humonoid Zombies?....Dr. Deshpande blurted, "Well! they are Genetically Engineered Humonoid Zombies, but, not by us! We haven't altered them into beings with the highest level of efficiency for human survival! They have programed themselves through the process of Na-S-B-E-C "; Dr. Mikhail asked in awe and shock, "what on earth is NaSBEC?".....to which Dr. SMART replied with glee, "NaSBEC stands for Natural Selection due to Bad Economic Condition!!!"
Monday, December 7, 2009
Scene 1 (at the lobby of ISRO): Two 43 year old 'Air India' Aunty Hostesses welcome President Vladimir by applying perfunctionary red tikas on the forehead and putting a garland around the neck (With the Red Tika and Garland the President resembles an over aged North Indian Bride Groom about to get married). President Vladimir is greeted by Dr. Rajamohan Shah with a firm handshake which is followed by fake smiles (for the press) and millions of flashes and clicks! Vladimir speaks first, "Dr. Raj Эдуард wee arree verrry happee to meeet you! Юлиан"; to which Dr. Rajmohan replies, "Actually the pleasure is ours! We are really happy about working in partnership with Russia for a project which has both geo-political and scientific significance!".
Vladimir looks around and asks Dr. Rajamohan, "Эдуард By thee way, why iss everyone weearing a gass mask?" to which Sr. Scientist SMART (Shana Manhoos Aur Rapchick Taporivala) replies, "All of us fear an onslaught of a 'Super Stinker' Gas which is a mixture of Hydrogen Sulphide, Carbon Mono Oxide, Mustard Gas and Methane!!"; Vladimir immediately puts on a mask and asks, "what on earth is the source of this highly poisonous 'Super Stinker' Gas???"; to which everyone looks at Dr. Rajamohan Shah! Dr. Rajamohan gives an embarrassed smile, shrugs and says, "What can I do, I always have an upset stomach due to the spicy Chicken Curry which I eat every day!"...he continues,"Now that you mentioned...", (he gives out a nasty fart on a high pitch and high octave)....peeeooo...phurrrrrrr....phat pat phat pat! The two 43 year old 'Air India' Aunty Hostesses fall unconscious and some migratory birds in the vicinity fall dead due to the toxicity of the gases which escaped Dr.Rajamohan!
Friday, December 4, 2009
With the blink of an eye, the Chinese Kung Fu Agent jumps onto ACP Screw Singh while punching both the American Agents with his either hands....although he was able to bring the American Agents on the floor, his kick never reaches the ACP (because ACP's reflexes were far better than the best martial artists...as he always consumed Dabur Chyavanprash everyday!). ACP does a counter attack, and throws a flurry of punches at the Chinese guy, most of which was blocked, except for the last one which not only breaks the 'cheap' Chinese skull but also sends him flying into the Shouchalya where Inspector Sulabh Sandas was hiding! Sandas yells with fear and comes running out of the Shouchalya....ACP tells him, "don't worry Inspector, the Chinese Agent in unconscious!"; Sandas whispers, "No! I did not yell for that, I yelled because I saw a big cockroach in the Sandas Pot (Shit Pot)". ACP shouts at the Inspector, "Get back inside you good for nothing idiot!!!".
ACP notices the American agents getting up for a brutal counter attack; The American agents find that the Chinese agent is down and out and looks at ACP with nothing but contempt! One of the Agent speaks up, "So, I guess its just the three of us!"; Inspector Sandas yells from the toilet, "No! No! Count me in too, Its actually 4 of us!!".
The American agents begin a variety of attacks on the ACP, but none of them work! Finally, the American agents realized that the ACP is too fast and strong for them, so they decided to use bio-technology to defeat the ACP. Both the agents took out syringes from their respective pockets which were filled with 'synthetic bio-active steroids', and stuck it up their shoulders and pumped up the entire portion of drugs to make them selves stronger! Suddenly, their muscles started growing and expanding, while ripping their expensive suit apart, and turning into Hulks of gragantuan proportions. Now, ACP Screw Singh knew one thing very well ...he knew he was 'Screwed'!
Obviously, these two muscled hulks started beating 38 types of crap out of Screw Singh! After turning him into minced meat, the over sized hulks thought the fight was over and were about to walk away, when something happened! The winds started blowing...pheeeewww phooooooo pheeewwww phoooooo... the near by temple bells started ringing, ting tong tang ting pang pong and from no where, someone started reciting the bhajans and shlokas amidst all this ACP Screw Singh starts getting the divine powers, (thanks to the prayers of millions of Indians), and he gets up to his feet and starts walking towards both the Hulks!
The first Hulk jumps on him, hoping to bring him down, but instead ACP catches hold of his neck and does a body slam on the ground...crushing the Hulk's bones to powder! The other hulk kicks the ACP to the wall...this time the wall breaks but nothing happens to the ACP..as all the temple Gods and Prayers are with him...he grabs the Hulk by his hair and punches him so hard on his face... that the Hulk falls unconscious!
Our ACP did it! He defeated the evil foreign forces! (at least for now)
Inspector Sulabh Sandas comes out of the Shouchalya and speaks, "Sir! You did it! you did it! you are great!...our ASS will be very happy!"...ACP says, "what?! your ass will be happy?? how dare you swear in front of your senior!!!"...Inspector Sandas corrects himself,"No Sir! I meant Ayyo Swami Sriranganathan would be very happy!!"; "oh!" said the ACP while smiling at his achievement. But he knew what was coming...this fight was going to get uglier by the day!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The confused Fat Hen sitting at the center looks at the events unfolding around it and thinks, "I rather be butchered and get converted to a tandoori chicken than watch these 4 idiots; I flew down here from a John Woo movie expecting a good fight, only to find 4 idiots hitting corny dialogues to each other!"
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Meanwhile, ACP Screw Singh takes the tray of Tandoori Chicken (which looked more like Carbonized Fossilized Charred piece of Coal) to the table where the 2 ISI moles were sitting with the 2 Chinese agents. As soon as ACP keeps the chicken on the table and was about to move, Inspector Sandas shouts from across the room, Sir, I have made Ramu unconcious, now you can attack these 4 moles. The 4 agents look in surprise, fear and give out a gasp! ACP says, "Shit! Sandas, what an idiot you are!!!" and runs for cover as the 4 agents take out their weapons and start shooting at the ACP.
There is total mayhem...people shouting and running all over the place while the 4 agents are firing randomly to take out Screw Singh!! Inspector Sulabh Sandas fearing for his life goes and hides back in the Shouchalya. The ACP hides behind a pillar and draws both his revolvers which he had hid in his striped chaddas. The pathans are constantly firing with their AK-47 and the chinese agents are swinging their Kung Fu swords hoping to slice the ACP!! ACP does a quick math, "I have 12 bullets and 4 enemies, 12 divided by 4 means 3 bullets for each enemy! Yes, I will take each of them out with 3 !".
Time Expansion - Bullet Time: For a moment, the scene becomes an alternate reality! Everything happens in Bullet Time (in slow motion...cause I like the action sequences that way!) while the camera continuously pans around the dhaba. ACP jumps out of the pillar sideways (of course in slow motion) and while flying sideways starts firing the nasty .45 calibre rounds using both his revolvers, at the agents. One of the Pathans is killed instantaneously as 2 of the bullets find their way into his head. Meanwhile, one of the Chinese agents jumps (in a Kung Fu style)...while shouting..AAooooo! he tries giving a solid side kick to ACP but does not make contact as ACP is also a martial artist and evades bullets and kicks with ease (yes! just like NEO in Matrix). While evading, he kicks the Chinese guy out of the Dhaba and manages to gun down the other Pathan as well! (Now the camera stops panning) One of the Chinese agents positions himself in a Tiger-Crane style for a battle with ACP Screw Singh. There is complete silence...in slow motion..both look at each other into the eyes with anger, disgust and revenge! (let's bring in some John Woo shit in this action sequence)...as the drama unfolds in slow motion...the two US assassins (agents of US Secret Service) walk in from either side (picture Smith from Matrix walking in) and as they walk into the scene...a fat hen flaps its wings and finds its way (in slow motion) into the scene where all the four fighters stand and grunt at each other!!! (all John Woo movies have a pigeon flying in during action sequences..I dont know why he does that..maybe to set things in the right perspective! and to show the irony of a peaceful creature finding its way into extreme violence...but I am bringing in a confused fat hen here...)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
The agents of FNCBSIIA (American Secret Service - dressed in a black Armani suit, White Shirt, Black Tie, Ray Ban Goggle, M1911 Colt .45ACP Handgun and of course a earphone connected to the right ear) had taken positions at 'Singh da Dhaba' at 56th mile on Highway 29 which connects New Delhi and Chandigargh to eliminate ACP Screw Singh (the officer incharge of 'Operation Chicken Curry'). ACP Screw Singh came to this Dhaba to do an 'Encounter' of some ISI Moles who were dressed in Peshawari Kurta, Turban, really loose salwar, plastic goggles - brought at Rs. 5 from the streets of lahore and a long, moustachless, lice-infested, orange colored beard which had remenants & pieces of Tandoori Chicken which he ate 5 minutes ago!. The ISI Moles were at the Dhaba to meet their Chinese couterparts to hand over some sensitive documents about the launch mission. The balled CIA (Chinese Intelligence Agency) agents were dressed in orange Kung-Fu robe with a picture of Bruce Lee embedded at their back and front..after all they were trained in the temple of shaolin with Bruce Lee as their God!! They were wearing 'Made in China' Black Goggles which they brought for 20 paise from the streets of 'Xuyincheong Pha-Phur-Phat' (although the name of the city sounds like the sound of a 'stomach upset', it was the economic epicenter of China after Hong Kong) .
So, 2 agents from US, 2 agents from China, 2 agents from Pakistan and our very own ACP Screw Singh were all going to clash ferociously in the most surreal fashion....we were going to witness India's first and very own Spaghetti Western type Cowboy flavoured Bullet Time Slow Motion duel of the most cruel and well trained Agents / Assassins at.....'Singh da Dhaba'.....Oye Balle Balle!!!!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Dr. SMART had an able assistant - the pot bellied, pan chewing Dr. Deshpande (Dressed in a long White Over Coat, White Shirt, White Trousers, White Underwear, White Belt, White Socks, White Knee length Boots) who loved Banarasi Pan which kept his mouth full....and brains empty (after all Mahakavi Amitabh Bachhan said...Khaike Pan Banaraswala, Khul jai band akal ka tala!). Dr.SMART asked, "Deshpande, did you bring the 14 finalists who were chosen for being the cosmonauts of the Mars Mission?"; Deshpande replied, "Yes Sir! they are waiting in the Briefing Room. They all survived the extreme conditions of our testing facilities! In fact they were laughing all the while...they are perfectly designed for the inter-planetary voyage!" Dr. SMART (while watching them from a one way mirror) asked, "Give me a list of all the tests that you conducted on them". Deshpande replied, "Sir, I had collected these 14 people from the same slum where the movie 'Slumdog Millionaire' was shot..in Mumbai; They thought, I was calling them for another movie shoot on behalf of Oscar winning Director Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire - 2, but I told them, that this was something even better, we would give them free food, clothes and place to live for the next 6-7 months and that we put them in a box for a very long time before sending them to another slum called Mars. All they have to do is to collect some stones, put our flag on the ground and come back, thats all. They said it was too easy a job for them. So I thought it is prudent to test them by creating the extreme space like conditions in our facilities."
Dr. SMART asked, "Describe the tests.."; to which Deshpande replied, "To begin with we needed to check on their capability to survive in an enclosed space for a long long time; so we locked them up in a trunk for 2 months and when we opened the trunks, we thought they would have been dead, but to our utter surprise they were laughing, smiling and happy all the time...they were telling us, they have never experienced such a spacious room ever in their lives compared to the cramped rooms of their Slum!!! Then we decided to starve them of food and water, they survived the hunger and thirst for a straight 25 days without even flinching; when we enquired, they said it was normal for the beggers in the slum to go hungry and thirsty for many many days together so it was hardly a challenge. So, we decided to test their ability to survive a nuclear radiation fallout, so we threw them into a nuclear reactor!! We thought, they would get fried to death!! when we opened the reactor door we found the little slumdog kids playing with the plutonium balls as if it were cricket balls!! It baffled all of us, on how the nuclear radiation was not affecting them a bit; to get to the bottom of this, we went back to their slum to pick up some samples of the materials which surround them and we were amazed to find biologically hazardous substances in the open sewerage line which used to flow through the Slum. The nuclear reactor near the slum, dumps all the irradiated toxic wastes into the sewerage water and every morning the slum dwellers wash their clothes, wash their utensils and bathe in it!!! believe it or not, they have developed immunity to nuclear radiation!! Last but not the least, we wanted to test their ability to withstand physical abuse by locking them up in a box that would vibrate violently throwing them to the walls on each side; we were really really sure that they woud fail this test! But, when we opened the door, to our surprise we found them laughing heartily claiming that this violent vibration was just like a tickle for them. I realized the kind of beating that they get from the cops and gangsters alike everyday of their life, they have developed the capability to withstand any kind of physical abuse that one may face during a dangerous inter-planetory travel!!