Sunday, December 13, 2009

Chapter 9 - Continued.........

Vladimir Puke-In introduces his Chief Scientist Dr. Avtomat Klashnikova aka AK47 to Sr. Scientist Dr. SMART of India. The second fiddles of each of the scientists (Dr. Mikhail from Russia and Dr. Deshpande from India) introduce themselves to each other. All the scientists greeted, kissed and hugged each other (in a non 'gay' fashion) as if they were long lost brothers! The mutual admiration (between all the scientists) was evident, as they animatedly spoke to each other about the various journals and papers that each of them had published and how they admired the creativity and idea of their respective counterparts.

AK47 was really curious to meet the 14 cosmonauts! When he peeked into the steely lab room (through a one way mirror), where the 'emaciated' slum dwellers were kept, he asked in fascination, are these Jewish remanents of the Nazi Holocaust? or are they Genetically Engineered Humonoid Zombies?....Dr. Deshpande blurted, "Well! they are Genetically Engineered Humonoid Zombies, but, not by us! We haven't altered them into beings with the highest level of efficiency for human survival! They have programed themselves through the process of Na-S-B-E-C "; Dr. Mikhail asked in awe and shock, "what on earth is NaSBEC?" which Dr. SMART replied with glee, "NaSBEC stands for Natural Selection due to Bad Economic Condition!!!"

Monday, December 7, 2009

Chapter 9 - Russians visit ISRO

Russian President Vladimir Puke-in decides to visit ISRO with his senior scientists to understand the latest developments in the Mars mission and also because he was curious to meet the 14 cosmonauts who would be taking part in Operation Mangal (Indian Mars Mission). He wanted to replicate India's model of 'Resource Development for Inter-Planetary Voyage and Survival'. He also wanted to borrow the cosmonauts for his Pluto Mission!

Scene 1 (at the lobby of ISRO): Two 43 year old 'Air India' Aunty Hostesses welcome President Vladimir by applying perfunctionary red tikas on the forehead and putting a garland around the neck (With the Red Tika and Garland the President resembles an over aged North Indian Bride Groom about to get married). President Vladimir is greeted by Dr. Rajamohan Shah with a firm handshake which is followed by fake smiles (for the press) and millions of flashes and clicks! Vladimir speaks first, "Dr. Raj Эдуард wee arree verrry happee to meeet you! Юлиан"; to which Dr. Rajmohan replies, "Actually the pleasure is ours! We are really happy about working in partnership with Russia for a project which has both geo-political and scientific significance!".

Vladimir looks around and asks Dr. Rajamohan, "Эдуард By thee way, why iss everyone weearing a gass mask?" to which Sr. Scientist SMART (Shana Manhoos Aur Rapchick Taporivala) replies, "All of us fear an onslaught of a 'Super Stinker' Gas which is a mixture of Hydrogen Sulphide, Carbon Mono Oxide, Mustard Gas and Methane!!"; Vladimir immediately puts on a mask and asks, "what on earth is the source of this highly poisonous 'Super Stinker' Gas???"; to which everyone looks at Dr. Rajamohan Shah! Dr. Rajamohan gives an embarrassed smile, shrugs and says, "What can I do, I always have an upset stomach due to the spicy Chicken Curry which I eat every day!"...he continues,"Now that you mentioned...", (he gives out a nasty fart on a high pitch and high octave)....peeeooo...phurrrrrrr....phat pat phat pat! The two 43 year old 'Air India' Aunty Hostesses fall unconscious and some migratory birds in the vicinity fall dead due to the toxicity of the gases which escaped Dr.Rajamohan!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Chapter 8 - Showdown at 'Singh da Dhaba'.....Final Cut!

The Chinese Agent finally gets the point and drops his Kung Fu sword on the floor...The Hen realises that its time for it to exit, as a violent clash of the Titans was about to begin! (The Hen flaps its wings and goes back into some other B-Grade, Steven Seagal Starrer, John Woo directed, shitty action movie where it would idiotically fly through an action sequence into the camera again....uninvited!!....God save people who watch John Woo and Steven Seagal movies)

With the blink of an eye, the Chinese Kung Fu Agent jumps onto ACP Screw Singh while punching both the American Agents with his either hands....although he was able to bring the American Agents on the floor, his kick never reaches the ACP (because ACP's reflexes were far better than the best martial he always consumed Dabur Chyavanprash everyday!). ACP does a counter attack, and throws a flurry of punches at the Chinese guy, most of which was blocked, except for the last one which not only breaks the 'cheap' Chinese skull but also sends him flying into the Shouchalya where Inspector Sulabh Sandas was hiding! Sandas yells with fear and comes running out of the Shouchalya....ACP tells him, "don't worry Inspector, the Chinese Agent in unconscious!"; Sandas whispers, "No! I did not yell for that, I yelled because I saw a big cockroach in the Sandas Pot (Shit Pot)". ACP shouts at the Inspector, "Get back inside you good for nothing idiot!!!".

ACP notices the American agents getting up for a brutal counter attack; The American agents find that the Chinese agent is down and out and looks at ACP with nothing but contempt! One of the Agent speaks up, "So, I guess its just the three of us!"; Inspector Sandas yells from the toilet, "No! No! Count me in too, Its actually 4 of us!!".

The American agents begin a variety of attacks on the ACP, but none of them work! Finally, the American agents realized that the ACP is too fast and strong for them, so they decided to use bio-technology to defeat the ACP. Both the agents took out syringes from their respective pockets which were filled with 'synthetic bio-active steroids', and stuck it up their shoulders and pumped up the entire portion of drugs to make them selves stronger! Suddenly, their muscles started growing and expanding, while ripping their expensive suit apart, and turning into Hulks of gragantuan proportions. Now, ACP Screw Singh knew one thing very well ...he knew he was 'Screwed'!

Obviously, these two muscled hulks started beating 38 types of crap out of Screw Singh! After turning him into minced meat, the over sized hulks thought the fight was over and were about to walk away, when something happened! The winds started blowing...pheeeewww phooooooo pheeewwww phoooooo... the near by temple bells started ringing, ting tong tang ting pang pong and from no where, someone started reciting the bhajans and shlokas amidst all this ACP Screw Singh starts getting the divine powers, (thanks to the prayers of millions of Indians), and he gets up to his feet and starts walking towards both the Hulks!

The first Hulk jumps on him, hoping to bring him down, but instead ACP catches hold of his neck and does a body slam on the ground...crushing the Hulk's bones to powder! The other hulk kicks the ACP to the wall...this time the wall breaks but nothing happens to the all the temple Gods and Prayers are with him...he grabs the Hulk by his hair and punches him so hard on his face... that the Hulk falls unconscious!

Our ACP did it! He defeated the evil foreign forces! (at least for now)

Inspector Sulabh Sandas comes out of the Shouchalya and speaks, "Sir! You did it! you did it! you are great!...our ASS will be very happy!"...ACP says, "what?! your ass will be happy?? how dare you swear in front of your senior!!!"...Inspector Sandas corrects himself,"No Sir! I meant Ayyo Swami Sriranganathan would be very happy!!"; "oh!" said the ACP while smiling at his achievement. But he knew what was coming...this fight was going to get uglier by the day!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Chapter 8 - Showdown at 'Singh da Dhaba'.....Part 3

ACP Screw Singh draws his weapon back and growls, "We all are soldiers with a cause and we must fight and die if need be, for our, let's do it with some dignity and respect!". He throws his weapon on the floor while thinking, "wow! how did a dumbass like me come up with such a great dialogue?....I really am cool!!". Both the American Agents throw their weapons on the ground too..and now everyone looks at the Chinese Agent to do the same...but the Chinese Agent looks all confused and doesn't throw his Kung Fu sword! One of the American Agent speaks up, "I think this Chinese idiot did not understand a single piece of shit which came out of your mouth". ACP replies, "Yeah! I too think the same...but hey I wasn't talking shit! wasn't the dialogue cool?!". The Chinese Agent says, "Cheee chang yeo phew blah aaaeeooo yeoo arrgh sheesh phat pitch sick puck sheyeong!!!"; the american agent replies animatedly with some hand movements, "he is askin you to drop your no no...DROP your WEAPON!!!".

The confused Fat Hen sitting at the center looks at the events unfolding around it and thinks, "I rather be butchered and get converted to a tandoori chicken than watch these 4 idiots; I flew down here from a John Woo movie expecting a good fight, only to find 4 idiots hitting corny dialogues to each other!"

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Chapter 8 - Showdown at 'Singh da Dhaba'.....Part 2

ACP Screw Singh (was dressed up like a Dhaba waiter - a dirty and torn ganji, torn striped long chaddas and a red color phatka over the shoulder used for mopping the wet table in dhabas) walked into the Dhaba from the back of the kitchen. He walked over to the waiter who was about to carry Tandoori Chicken to the ISI moles and told him "Ramu! someone is waiting for you at the back, you go speak to him, meanwhile I will serve the food to both the Pathans". When Ramu goes to the Dhaba's backyard, he is immediately put to sleep by ACP's able assistant Inspector Sulabh Sandas who was hiding in the Shouchalya. Sulabh, grabs Ramu in a neck lock and puts a long piece of cloth on his nose which knocks Ramu unconscious (Sorry, that piece of cloth was not laden with Chloroform but it actually was Sulabh's stinking pair of socks which he had not washed from the time he joined the police force, the stench of the unwashed pair of Sulabh's socks incapacitated Ramu!!)

Meanwhile, ACP Screw Singh takes the tray of Tandoori Chicken (which looked more like Carbonized Fossilized Charred piece of Coal) to the table where the 2 ISI moles were sitting with the 2 Chinese agents. As soon as ACP keeps the chicken on the table and was about to move, Inspector Sandas shouts from across the room, Sir, I have made Ramu unconcious, now you can attack these 4 moles. The 4 agents look in surprise, fear and give out a gasp! ACP says, "Shit! Sandas, what an idiot you are!!!" and runs for cover as the 4 agents take out their weapons and start shooting at the ACP.

There is total mayhem...people shouting and running all over the place while the 4 agents are firing randomly to take out Screw Singh!! Inspector Sulabh Sandas fearing for his life goes and hides back in the Shouchalya. The ACP hides behind a pillar and draws both his revolvers which he had hid in his striped chaddas. The pathans are constantly firing with their AK-47 and the chinese agents are swinging their Kung Fu swords hoping to slice the ACP!! ACP does a quick math, "I have 12 bullets and 4 enemies, 12 divided by 4 means 3 bullets for each enemy! Yes, I will take each of them out with 3 !".

Time Expansion - Bullet Time: For a moment, the scene becomes an alternate reality! Everything happens in Bullet Time (in slow motion...cause I like the action sequences that way!) while the camera continuously pans around the dhaba. ACP jumps out of the pillar sideways (of course in slow motion) and while flying sideways starts firing the nasty .45 calibre rounds using both his revolvers, at the agents. One of the Pathans is killed instantaneously as 2 of the bullets find their way into his head. Meanwhile, one of the Chinese agents jumps (in a Kung Fu style)...while shouting..AAooooo! he tries giving a solid side kick to ACP but does not make contact as ACP is also a martial artist and evades bullets and kicks with ease (yes! just like NEO in Matrix). While evading, he kicks the Chinese guy out of the Dhaba and manages to gun down the other Pathan as well! (Now the camera stops panning) One of the Chinese agents positions himself in a Tiger-Crane style for a battle with ACP Screw Singh. There is complete slow motion..both look at each other into the eyes with anger, disgust and revenge! (let's bring in some John Woo shit in this action sequence) the drama unfolds in slow motion...the two US assassins (agents of US Secret Service) walk in from either side (picture Smith from Matrix walking in) and as they walk into the scene...a fat hen flaps its wings and finds its way (in slow motion) into the scene where all the four fighters stand and grunt at each other!!! (all John Woo movies have a pigeon flying in during action sequences..I dont know why he does that..maybe to set things in the right perspective! and to show the irony of a peaceful creature finding its way into extreme violence...but I am bringing in a confused fat hen here...)