Sunday, December 13, 2009
AK47 was really curious to meet the 14 cosmonauts! When he peeked into the steely lab room (through a one way mirror), where the 'emaciated' slum dwellers were kept, he asked in fascination, are these Jewish remanents of the Nazi Holocaust? or are they Genetically Engineered Humonoid Zombies?....Dr. Deshpande blurted, "Well! they are Genetically Engineered Humonoid Zombies, but, not by us! We haven't altered them into beings with the highest level of efficiency for human survival! They have programed themselves through the process of Na-S-B-E-C "; Dr. Mikhail asked in awe and shock, "what on earth is NaSBEC?".....to which Dr. SMART replied with glee, "NaSBEC stands for Natural Selection due to Bad Economic Condition!!!"
Monday, December 7, 2009
Scene 1 (at the lobby of ISRO): Two 43 year old 'Air India' Aunty Hostesses welcome President Vladimir by applying perfunctionary red tikas on the forehead and putting a garland around the neck (With the Red Tika and Garland the President resembles an over aged North Indian Bride Groom about to get married). President Vladimir is greeted by Dr. Rajamohan Shah with a firm handshake which is followed by fake smiles (for the press) and millions of flashes and clicks! Vladimir speaks first, "Dr. Raj Эдуард wee arree verrry happee to meeet you! Юлиан"; to which Dr. Rajmohan replies, "Actually the pleasure is ours! We are really happy about working in partnership with Russia for a project which has both geo-political and scientific significance!".
Vladimir looks around and asks Dr. Rajamohan, "Эдуард By thee way, why iss everyone weearing a gass mask?" to which Sr. Scientist SMART (Shana Manhoos Aur Rapchick Taporivala) replies, "All of us fear an onslaught of a 'Super Stinker' Gas which is a mixture of Hydrogen Sulphide, Carbon Mono Oxide, Mustard Gas and Methane!!"; Vladimir immediately puts on a mask and asks, "what on earth is the source of this highly poisonous 'Super Stinker' Gas???"; to which everyone looks at Dr. Rajamohan Shah! Dr. Rajamohan gives an embarrassed smile, shrugs and says, "What can I do, I always have an upset stomach due to the spicy Chicken Curry which I eat every day!"...he continues,"Now that you mentioned...", (he gives out a nasty fart on a high pitch and high octave)....peeeooo...phurrrrrrr....phat pat phat pat! The two 43 year old 'Air India' Aunty Hostesses fall unconscious and some migratory birds in the vicinity fall dead due to the toxicity of the gases which escaped Dr.Rajamohan!
Friday, December 4, 2009
With the blink of an eye, the Chinese Kung Fu Agent jumps onto ACP Screw Singh while punching both the American Agents with his either hands....although he was able to bring the American Agents on the floor, his kick never reaches the ACP (because ACP's reflexes were far better than the best martial artists...as he always consumed Dabur Chyavanprash everyday!). ACP does a counter attack, and throws a flurry of punches at the Chinese guy, most of which was blocked, except for the last one which not only breaks the 'cheap' Chinese skull but also sends him flying into the Shouchalya where Inspector Sulabh Sandas was hiding! Sandas yells with fear and comes running out of the Shouchalya....ACP tells him, "don't worry Inspector, the Chinese Agent in unconscious!"; Sandas whispers, "No! I did not yell for that, I yelled because I saw a big cockroach in the Sandas Pot (Shit Pot)". ACP shouts at the Inspector, "Get back inside you good for nothing idiot!!!".
ACP notices the American agents getting up for a brutal counter attack; The American agents find that the Chinese agent is down and out and looks at ACP with nothing but contempt! One of the Agent speaks up, "So, I guess its just the three of us!"; Inspector Sandas yells from the toilet, "No! No! Count me in too, Its actually 4 of us!!".
The American agents begin a variety of attacks on the ACP, but none of them work! Finally, the American agents realized that the ACP is too fast and strong for them, so they decided to use bio-technology to defeat the ACP. Both the agents took out syringes from their respective pockets which were filled with 'synthetic bio-active steroids', and stuck it up their shoulders and pumped up the entire portion of drugs to make them selves stronger! Suddenly, their muscles started growing and expanding, while ripping their expensive suit apart, and turning into Hulks of gragantuan proportions. Now, ACP Screw Singh knew one thing very well ...he knew he was 'Screwed'!
Obviously, these two muscled hulks started beating 38 types of crap out of Screw Singh! After turning him into minced meat, the over sized hulks thought the fight was over and were about to walk away, when something happened! The winds started blowing...pheeeewww phooooooo pheeewwww phoooooo... the near by temple bells started ringing, ting tong tang ting pang pong and from no where, someone started reciting the bhajans and shlokas amidst all this ACP Screw Singh starts getting the divine powers, (thanks to the prayers of millions of Indians), and he gets up to his feet and starts walking towards both the Hulks!
The first Hulk jumps on him, hoping to bring him down, but instead ACP catches hold of his neck and does a body slam on the ground...crushing the Hulk's bones to powder! The other hulk kicks the ACP to the wall...this time the wall breaks but nothing happens to the ACP..as all the temple Gods and Prayers are with him...he grabs the Hulk by his hair and punches him so hard on his face... that the Hulk falls unconscious!
Our ACP did it! He defeated the evil foreign forces! (at least for now)
Inspector Sulabh Sandas comes out of the Shouchalya and speaks, "Sir! You did it! you did it! you are great!...our ASS will be very happy!"...ACP says, "what?! your ass will be happy?? how dare you swear in front of your senior!!!"...Inspector Sandas corrects himself,"No Sir! I meant Ayyo Swami Sriranganathan would be very happy!!"; "oh!" said the ACP while smiling at his achievement. But he knew what was coming...this fight was going to get uglier by the day!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
The confused Fat Hen sitting at the center looks at the events unfolding around it and thinks, "I rather be butchered and get converted to a tandoori chicken than watch these 4 idiots; I flew down here from a John Woo movie expecting a good fight, only to find 4 idiots hitting corny dialogues to each other!"
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Meanwhile, ACP Screw Singh takes the tray of Tandoori Chicken (which looked more like Carbonized Fossilized Charred piece of Coal) to the table where the 2 ISI moles were sitting with the 2 Chinese agents. As soon as ACP keeps the chicken on the table and was about to move, Inspector Sandas shouts from across the room, Sir, I have made Ramu unconcious, now you can attack these 4 moles. The 4 agents look in surprise, fear and give out a gasp! ACP says, "Shit! Sandas, what an idiot you are!!!" and runs for cover as the 4 agents take out their weapons and start shooting at the ACP.
There is total mayhem...people shouting and running all over the place while the 4 agents are firing randomly to take out Screw Singh!! Inspector Sulabh Sandas fearing for his life goes and hides back in the Shouchalya. The ACP hides behind a pillar and draws both his revolvers which he had hid in his striped chaddas. The pathans are constantly firing with their AK-47 and the chinese agents are swinging their Kung Fu swords hoping to slice the ACP!! ACP does a quick math, "I have 12 bullets and 4 enemies, 12 divided by 4 means 3 bullets for each enemy! Yes, I will take each of them out with 3 !".
Time Expansion - Bullet Time: For a moment, the scene becomes an alternate reality! Everything happens in Bullet Time (in slow motion...cause I like the action sequences that way!) while the camera continuously pans around the dhaba. ACP jumps out of the pillar sideways (of course in slow motion) and while flying sideways starts firing the nasty .45 calibre rounds using both his revolvers, at the agents. One of the Pathans is killed instantaneously as 2 of the bullets find their way into his head. Meanwhile, one of the Chinese agents jumps (in a Kung Fu style)...while shouting..AAooooo! he tries giving a solid side kick to ACP but does not make contact as ACP is also a martial artist and evades bullets and kicks with ease (yes! just like NEO in Matrix). While evading, he kicks the Chinese guy out of the Dhaba and manages to gun down the other Pathan as well! (Now the camera stops panning) One of the Chinese agents positions himself in a Tiger-Crane style for a battle with ACP Screw Singh. There is complete silence...in slow motion..both look at each other into the eyes with anger, disgust and revenge! (let's bring in some John Woo shit in this action sequence)...as the drama unfolds in slow motion...the two US assassins (agents of US Secret Service) walk in from either side (picture Smith from Matrix walking in) and as they walk into the scene...a fat hen flaps its wings and finds its way (in slow motion) into the scene where all the four fighters stand and grunt at each other!!! (all John Woo movies have a pigeon flying in during action sequences..I dont know why he does that..maybe to set things in the right perspective! and to show the irony of a peaceful creature finding its way into extreme violence...but I am bringing in a confused fat hen here...)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
The agents of FNCBSIIA (American Secret Service - dressed in a black Armani suit, White Shirt, Black Tie, Ray Ban Goggle, M1911 Colt .45ACP Handgun and of course a earphone connected to the right ear) had taken positions at 'Singh da Dhaba' at 56th mile on Highway 29 which connects New Delhi and Chandigargh to eliminate ACP Screw Singh (the officer incharge of 'Operation Chicken Curry'). ACP Screw Singh came to this Dhaba to do an 'Encounter' of some ISI Moles who were dressed in Peshawari Kurta, Turban, really loose salwar, plastic goggles - brought at Rs. 5 from the streets of lahore and a long, moustachless, lice-infested, orange colored beard which had remenants & pieces of Tandoori Chicken which he ate 5 minutes ago!. The ISI Moles were at the Dhaba to meet their Chinese couterparts to hand over some sensitive documents about the launch mission. The balled CIA (Chinese Intelligence Agency) agents were dressed in orange Kung-Fu robe with a picture of Bruce Lee embedded at their back and front..after all they were trained in the temple of shaolin with Bruce Lee as their God!! They were wearing 'Made in China' Black Goggles which they brought for 20 paise from the streets of 'Xuyincheong Pha-Phur-Phat' (although the name of the city sounds like the sound of a 'stomach upset', it was the economic epicenter of China after Hong Kong) .
So, 2 agents from US, 2 agents from China, 2 agents from Pakistan and our very own ACP Screw Singh were all going to clash ferociously in the most surreal fashion....we were going to witness India's first and very own Spaghetti Western type Cowboy flavoured Bullet Time Slow Motion duel of the most cruel and well trained Agents / Assassins at.....'Singh da Dhaba'.....Oye Balle Balle!!!!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Dr. SMART had an able assistant - the pot bellied, pan chewing Dr. Deshpande (Dressed in a long White Over Coat, White Shirt, White Trousers, White Underwear, White Belt, White Socks, White Knee length Boots) who loved Banarasi Pan which kept his mouth full....and brains empty (after all Mahakavi Amitabh Bachhan said...Khaike Pan Banaraswala, Khul jai band akal ka tala!). Dr.SMART asked, "Deshpande, did you bring the 14 finalists who were chosen for being the cosmonauts of the Mars Mission?"; Deshpande replied, "Yes Sir! they are waiting in the Briefing Room. They all survived the extreme conditions of our testing facilities! In fact they were laughing all the while...they are perfectly designed for the inter-planetary voyage!" Dr. SMART (while watching them from a one way mirror) asked, "Give me a list of all the tests that you conducted on them". Deshpande replied, "Sir, I had collected these 14 people from the same slum where the movie 'Slumdog Millionaire' was shot..in Mumbai; They thought, I was calling them for another movie shoot on behalf of Oscar winning Director Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire - 2, but I told them, that this was something even better, we would give them free food, clothes and place to live for the next 6-7 months and that we put them in a box for a very long time before sending them to another slum called Mars. All they have to do is to collect some stones, put our flag on the ground and come back, thats all. They said it was too easy a job for them. So I thought it is prudent to test them by creating the extreme space like conditions in our facilities."
Dr. SMART asked, "Describe the tests.."; to which Deshpande replied, "To begin with we needed to check on their capability to survive in an enclosed space for a long long time; so we locked them up in a trunk for 2 months and when we opened the trunks, we thought they would have been dead, but to our utter surprise they were laughing, smiling and happy all the time...they were telling us, they have never experienced such a spacious room ever in their lives compared to the cramped rooms of their Slum!!! Then we decided to starve them of food and water, they survived the hunger and thirst for a straight 25 days without even flinching; when we enquired, they said it was normal for the beggers in the slum to go hungry and thirsty for many many days together so it was hardly a challenge. So, we decided to test their ability to survive a nuclear radiation fallout, so we threw them into a nuclear reactor!! We thought, they would get fried to death!! when we opened the reactor door we found the little slumdog kids playing with the plutonium balls as if it were cricket balls!! It baffled all of us, on how the nuclear radiation was not affecting them a bit; to get to the bottom of this, we went back to their slum to pick up some samples of the materials which surround them and we were amazed to find biologically hazardous substances in the open sewerage line which used to flow through the Slum. The nuclear reactor near the slum, dumps all the irradiated toxic wastes into the sewerage water and every morning the slum dwellers wash their clothes, wash their utensils and bathe in it!!! believe it or not, they have developed immunity to nuclear radiation!! Last but not the least, we wanted to test their ability to withstand physical abuse by locking them up in a box that would vibrate violently throwing them to the walls on each side; we were really really sure that they woud fail this test! But, when we opened the door, to our surprise we found them laughing heartily claiming that this violent vibration was just like a tickle for them. I realized the kind of beating that they get from the cops and gangsters alike everyday of their life, they have developed the capability to withstand any kind of physical abuse that one may face during a dangerous inter-planetory travel!!
Monday, November 16, 2009
60 reponds, "Man! this is some bad shit! a visibly shaken Condolezza asks, "what are you worried about?" to which 60 says, "Man! if Russians provide security to the brown asses (Indians), they manage to stop our sabotage attempts and finally reach Mars, then we are totally screwed...it will be a world war! cause they would find that we have sent some Tinheads (robots) to excavate that planet! we need to brief the Pentagon right now!". To which Cycle does robot break dance coupled with a moonwalk and shouts, "AAooo!! this plan is bad....this plan is dangerous!! AAoooo!!". Cycle's 'Aaoo!!' startles 60 Cents, and he reacts by giving a solid punch on Cycle Jackson's face breaking his nose..(Cycle howls like puppy Aaoo Aaoo) ...and says "I dint kill you cause you are a nigga brothah! but next time you scare people with your idiotic 'break' dance, then this nigga brothah will 'break' ya!! ". Condolezza smiles and says, "Thanks 60 for your update on this matter and of course for breaking Jackson's face, if you had not punched him, I am sure I would have done it myself! Do not worry! I will get in touch with the Pentagon and update them myself on this issue and we will give you whatever support you need to stop this mission!"
Agent Champat and Agent Gobar were silently listening to the entire conversation and were getting ready to pass on the entire conversation to Mr.ASS (Mr. Ayyo Swami Sriranganathan).
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
As the three of them walk in the White House, Agent Champat as a part of his covert operation, was secretly clicking photographs of the insides of the White House using his Kodak disposable camera (which he had brought from a flea market in Ooty for Rs. 50) and Agent Gobar was dropping leaves in every room he crossed. Agent Champat watched in horror as Agent Gobar kept throwing banana leaves all over the White House! While 60 Cents was looking elsewhere, Champat came running to Gobar and whispered hoarsly.. " What the hell are you doing?? Why are you dropping those leaves all over the White House??!!"..Agent Gobar replies proudly, "I am an Electronics Engineer from the elite institute of IIT Mumbai and after my graduation I joined the secret service (RAW); during the initial days of my training the lecturer had given some insight into the concept of getting information using 'leavesdropping'". Champat says, "You IITian dumbass idiot, it is 'eavesdropping' and not 'leavesdropping'!!!"; Gobar retorts, "How can I be wrong? I am from IIT.... according to the Theory of Relativity, space and time are actually same irrespective of the frame of reference; and according to Scientist Robert Pseudopunk in his book 'Particle Physics Explored' in the Chapter 5, Page 212, para 3, line 4, all matter and energy however different they may seem in terms of its structure, size, mass and behaviour in Newtonian or Einsteinium physics, they are actually made up of fundamental particle called Quarks, and to explain this ...."; Agent Champat shouts "Gobar!! Wait!! Wait!! Wait!! Shut the hell up!!..My goodness gracious!!! Man..I gotto tell you this..just like all the IITians..you are just a pile of dump...you are trash! Just shut the hell up, stop throwing those leaves or leavedropping or whatever shit you were doing and follow me quitely!!".
...to be continued....
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
"Mr.ASS!", continues a police officer, "this was a bad start to 'Operation Chicken Curry'! Now what do we do?". ASS replies, "Well! I am appointing an 'Ace' to do this job for me...he is an IPS topper and a very capable young lad..also known for his brutal interrogation methods and tendency to do an encounter; his name is....ACP Screw Singh!...although Inspector Sandas is an idiot, but he has a huge local intelligence network and is quite useful in getting difficult things done; I am sure ACP Screw Singh can work with him quite effectively"
Monday, November 2, 2009
The meeting started with '60 Cents' saying, "Yo Man, Whats wrong with u guys man!! what the hell is goin on here man?? why did ya call me to this shitty place...we could have met some place else man..nevah calla nigga brotha to sucha shitty place man..and by the way...i am hungry man...u hav some burgers or shit like that over here??..Abbas says..."oye rahim! get 2 vada pavs, 1 chanmeen and 3 chais..cheeni kum malai jyada"..he continues while looking at 60 Cents, "Cent Bhai, sorry to have called you here, but it is important that you know that the Indians have secretly changed the date for the launch and L.F.H Noodal Bhaisahib gave us a wrong information that it is being launched on 31st December, 12:00, 2047"; L.F.H. Noodal said (in a Nasal Voice), "How dare youn question the Chiineeese Communist Intalligance! Wee are theee cheeeapest Intalligance uuunit in the wooorrld!!!". Abbas said, "Shut up you idiot! cheap is cheap not the best..who ever told you it is the best?". Pervez speaks up for the first time, he said "U-JOKE..." L.F.H. Noodal reacts "uu thinkk i am joking!!??"; Pervez says "no no i meant U-JOKE...."; Noodal reels with anger "I dont joke abouut seerious isssuues!! how dare u??"; Pervez shouts, "you communist idiot!! i am talking about United Jehad of Kashmiri Eglatarians!! U-JOKE in short"; Noodal says with a smile, "aahh ok ok ok...got it...a communication gapp...it izz like a tibetan gap..hehehe". Pervez continues "So, U-JOKE has collectively decided that the Indian Mars Mission has to be destroyed as it is the best occasion to send a message across the globe; anyone messes with us, they will face the wrath of the Jehadis and the Hardliners". 60 Cents asks, "Yo man! wats the Mars shit got anythin to do with yur jehad?!!, I dont know...and I dont care...this nigga brotha knows that we have some mining and diggin shit goin up there in Mars, and we don't want the indians' to see nothin; whats your take Mr. Noodle?". L.F.H. Noodal says, "By the way, pleeease taake ma naame propahlee, ma naame is Noodal and nota Noodle; and I too want to destroy the indi mars mission bcoze, Indi cheeni can nevar bcom bhai bhai..we hate democracy we love pseudo-communism cum actual-dictatorship..thats the way we are - idiots...and thats the we always wanna be...hehehe..we love tibet and arunachal pradesh and sikkim..and.."; Abbas retorts, "Shut up Hakka Noodle...listen to me first, if we seriously want to sabotage the mission lets know when they are launching the Space Shuttle..Hakka tells me that its 31st December, 12:00, 2047, but the information that I received is that they are launching on 1st Jan, 2048, 12:01!!!that is next year!!!"; 60 Cents was like, "Yo man, I thought you Chinese were good with intelligence and shit like that; I am givin this brown man abaas to do the intelligence gatherin job". Pervez asks, "so who is doing what, lets conclude our meeting..Abbas you get us more information, I will arrange 2 fidayeens and 2 human-bombs(brainwashed zombies) from U-JOKE, 60 Cents would give the tactical nuke which we will couple with chinese processors, gps and integrated circuits given by Hakka...is that agreed upon?". Hakka said "Yeeea! I agree", 60 Cents said "Yo Man I am cool with it" Abbas also agreed and everyone parted ways...with 60 Cents doing his gangsta rap...
"rockets, bombs, fusion and fission
we wanna destroy the mars mission!!!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Our desi RAW (Research & Analysis Wing) agents were closely monitoring the movement of 60 Cents, P. Pervez and L.F.H. Noodal from various parts of the world. The desi RAW agents dressed in Grey Safari Suits, Plastic Sun Glasses (brought from the Tibetan Market for Rs. 20) and State of the F..art .303 Rifles were unstoppable. They found that 60 Cents was using 'Airforce One' as a decoy and was actually sending 50 Cents instead of himself in that flight; 60 Cents used a Cycle-Rickshaw to reach the rendezvous point...'ISI Headquarters' which was actually a Bangladeshi Slum in New Delhi. P. Pervez and L.F.H. Noodal were already there and were enjoying the adulation and respect of the slum dwellers (who were actually ISI Moles). L.F.H. Noodal was feeling hungry so Abbas Bhai got some Hakka Noodle from the Chanmeen Stall (read it as Chowmein Stall) and all smiled at the cultural similarities between China and India as Lung Fung Hakka Noodal's name and the dish at the Chanmeen Stall (Hakka Noodle) were similar.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
In the meanwhile, FNCSBIIA sent its 'Field Agents'/Assets to gather more information into India's Mars Mission. What really worried the Americans is that, they did not want the Indians who land on Mars to know that, the United States of America had already colonized the Planet with Industrial Robots for construction of habitable underground bunkers and mines for extracting gold, diamonds and uranium; simply because they had started this project without the permission of the countries who were all signatory to the Non Utilization of Exo-Planetary Resources (NUEXPLAR); which means that earthlings cannot use the resources of any other planet other than of the earth itself. All the countries had signed this treaty except for 3 countries who did not agree to its terms and conditions - Somalia, Iran and North Korea. Iran felt that, they should be allowed to scour other planets for more Uranium so that they could build more Nuclear Weapons to bomb Israel; North Korea opposed because it wanted to oppose thats it! (I mean do you really need a reason to oppose?? just oppose! and to show oppostition to America, they detonated another nuclear bomb underground and launched another missile into the sea over South Korea, and asked the United Nations, that if they expected North Korea to not oppose, then please send over food and ration for its starving public and some cognac and steak for 'The Great Leader' of North Korea. Why did Somalia not agree......No Comments!!!