Thursday, November 26, 2009

Chapter 8 - Showdown at 'Singh da Dhaba'.....Part 1

The agents of FNCBSIIA (American Secret Service - dressed in a black Armani suit, White Shirt, Black Tie, Ray Ban Goggle, M1911 Colt .45ACP Handgun and of course a earphone connected to the right ear) had taken positions at 'Singh da Dhaba' at 56th mile on Highway 29 which connects New Delhi and Chandigargh to eliminate ACP Screw Singh (the officer incharge of 'Operation Chicken Curry'). ACP Screw Singh came to this Dhaba to do an 'Encounter' of some ISI Moles who were dressed in Peshawari Kurta, Turban, really loose salwar, plastic goggles - brought at Rs. 5 from the streets of lahore and a long, moustachless, lice-infested, orange colored beard which had remenants & pieces of Tandoori Chicken which he ate 5 minutes ago!. The ISI Moles were at the Dhaba to meet their Chinese couterparts to hand over some sensitive documents about the launch mission. The balled CIA (Chinese Intelligence Agency) agents were dressed in orange Kung-Fu robe with a picture of Bruce Lee embedded at their back and front..after all they were trained in the temple of shaolin with Bruce Lee as their God!! They were wearing 'Made in China' Black Goggles which they brought for 20 paise from the streets of 'Xuyincheong Pha-Phur-Phat' (although the name of the city sounds like the sound of a 'stomach upset', it was the economic epicenter of China after Hong Kong) .

So, 2 agents from US, 2 agents from China, 2 agents from Pakistan and our very own ACP Screw Singh were all going to clash ferociously in the most surreal fashion....we were going to witness India's first and very own Spaghetti Western type Cowboy flavoured Bullet Time Slow Motion duel of the most cruel and well trained Agents / Assassins at.....'Singh da Dhaba'.....Oye Balle Balle!!!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Chapter 7 - Indian Space Reseach Organization

The Indian Scientists were unaware of the geo-politics and the other events unfolding behind them. They were totally dedicated and involved in the Mars Mission - Operation Mangal. The center where all the action was taking place was Indian Space Research Organization and all the preparations were on in full throttle. The Shuttle technology was borrowed from the Russians and the Blue Print of the program was stolen from NASA (stolen by RAW). The Russians also benefited from the Blue Prints....they had already designed their own Pluto Mission by reverse engineering those designs. The Technological success of the mission completely rested upon the able shoulders of Sr. Scientist Shana Manhoos Aur RapchickTaporivala in short SMART!

Dr. SMART had an able assistant - the pot bellied, pan chewing Dr. Deshpande (Dressed in a long White Over Coat, White Shirt, White Trousers, White Underwear, White Belt, White Socks, White Knee length Boots) who loved Banarasi Pan which kept his mouth full....and brains empty (after all Mahakavi Amitabh Bachhan said...Khaike Pan Banaraswala, Khul jai band akal ka tala!). Dr.SMART asked, "Deshpande, did you bring the 14 finalists who were chosen for being the cosmonauts of the Mars Mission?"; Deshpande replied, "Yes Sir! they are waiting in the Briefing Room. They all survived the extreme conditions of our testing facilities! In fact they were laughing all the while...they are perfectly designed for the inter-planetary voyage!" Dr. SMART (while watching them from a one way mirror) asked, "Give me a list of all the tests that you conducted on them". Deshpande replied, "Sir, I had collected these 14 people from the same slum where the movie 'Slumdog Millionaire' was Mumbai; They thought, I was calling them for another movie shoot on behalf of Oscar winning Director Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire - 2, but I told them, that this was something even better, we would give them free food, clothes and place to live for the next 6-7 months and that we put them in a box for a very long time before sending them to another slum called Mars. All they have to do is to collect some stones, put our flag on the ground and come back, thats all. They said it was too easy a job for them. So I thought it is prudent to test them by creating the extreme space like conditions in our facilities."

Dr. SMART asked, "Describe the tests.."; to which Deshpande replied, "To begin with we needed to check on their capability to survive in an enclosed space for a long long time; so we locked them up in a trunk for 2 months and when we opened the trunks, we thought they would have been dead, but to our utter surprise they were laughing, smiling and happy all the time...they were telling us, they have never experienced such a spacious room ever in their lives compared to the cramped rooms of their Slum!!! Then we decided to starve them of food and water, they survived the hunger and thirst for a straight 25 days without even flinching; when we enquired, they said it was normal for the beggers in the slum to go hungry and thirsty for many many days together so it was hardly a challenge. So, we decided to test their ability to survive a nuclear radiation fallout, so we threw them into a nuclear reactor!! We thought, they would get fried to death!! when we opened the reactor door we found the little slumdog kids playing with the plutonium balls as if it were cricket balls!! It baffled all of us, on how the nuclear radiation was not affecting them a bit; to get to the bottom of this, we went back to their slum to pick up some samples of the materials which surround them and we were amazed to find biologically hazardous substances in the open sewerage line which used to flow through the Slum. The nuclear reactor near the slum, dumps all the irradiated toxic wastes into the sewerage water and every morning the slum dwellers wash their clothes, wash their utensils and bathe in it!!! believe it or not, they have developed immunity to nuclear radiation!! Last but not the least, we wanted to test their ability to withstand physical abuse by locking them up in a box that would vibrate violently throwing them to the walls on each side; we were really really sure that they woud fail this test! But, when we opened the door, to our surprise we found them laughing heartily claiming that this violent vibration was just like a tickle for them. I realized the kind of beating that they get from the cops and gangsters alike everyday of their life, they have developed the capability to withstand any kind of physical abuse that one may face during a dangerous inter-planetory travel!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Chapter 6 - Continued.....

60 Cents, Agent Gobar and Agent Champat entered the Oval Office and found U.S. President Condolezza Chapathi sitting with the Secretary of Defence 'Cycle Jackson' (you guessed it right...he is the great grand son of Michael Jackson) and discussing the grim situation and possibilities of Indians landing on Mars. 60 Cents speaks up first "Respect to Ms. Condolezza and Mr. Cycle!"; Condolezza replies "Hello 60! good morning!", Cycle Jackson gets up, puts his left palm on his pelvic region, raises his right hand to shoulder length and like his great grandfather thrusts his pelvis 4-5 times while shouting "AAAooo!! AAAooo!! ...Good Mornin 60...AAAooo!" (followed by a moonwalk!) 60 Cents shouts, " yeaoo Cycle! you gotto relax man! you are scaring me! ... sit down! I have some serious shit for all ya guyz...", and continues "..we are gonna be in deep shit! jus been to Indi-ya yesterday, and I heard they are sendin a bunch of brown asses to Mars which ain't good news for you or me"; on hearing this Condolezza asks, "Do we have the date and time of the launch?", to which 60 Cents says "Well, this nigga brothah jus too clever for this shit, of course, I have the new Date and Time of the launch, and not only that, I know the place they plan to crack (launch) the shuttle from!"; to which Cycle says (in a feminine nasal voice), "We'hv been hit by, we'hv been struck by...a 'smooth criminal'! AAooo! we need to stop the launch??". Condolezza asks "Cycle, what are the options we have to stop the launch?"; Cycle sings, "the plan is Bad...the plan is 'Dangerous'..we will nuke the facilty using Paki zombies (brainwashed jehadi skunks)". 60 Cents says, "Yea000! this nigga brothah has already spoken to the Paki and Chinese brothahs! and they are ready to carry out this terrorist stuff for some cheddar (cheddar is the Hip Hop lingo for cash)! 60 Cents asks Cycle "Did you get in touch with the President of Russia Mr. Vladimir Puke-in?". Cycle said, "AAoooo! well I did get in touch with them, but they dont seem to be interested in destroying the Mars Mission AAooo!(Cycle does 2 pelvic thrusts) because they suspect our presence in Mars which they want to find out and since they have provided the Shuttle technology to India, I am sure they do not want to see it going down in flames AAoooo!(Cycle does a moonwalk again)".

60 reponds, "Man! this is some bad shit! a visibly shaken Condolezza asks, "what are you worried about?" to which 60 says, "Man! if Russians provide security to the brown asses (Indians), they manage to stop our sabotage attempts and finally reach Mars, then we are totally will be a world war! cause they would find that we have sent some Tinheads (robots) to excavate that planet! we need to brief the Pentagon right now!". To which Cycle does robot break dance coupled with a moonwalk and shouts, "AAooo!! this plan is bad....this plan is dangerous!! AAoooo!!". Cycle's 'Aaoo!!' startles 60 Cents, and he reacts by giving a solid punch on Cycle Jackson's face breaking his nose..(Cycle howls like puppy Aaoo Aaoo) ...and says "I dint kill you cause you are a nigga brothah! but next time you scare people with your idiotic 'break' dance, then this nigga brothah will 'break' ya!! ". Condolezza smiles and says, "Thanks 60 for your update on this matter and of course for breaking Jackson's face, if you had not punched him, I am sure I would have done it myself! Do not worry! I will get in touch with the Pentagon and update them myself on this issue and we will give you whatever support you need to stop this mission!"

Agent Champat and Agent Gobar were silently listening to the entire conversation and were getting ready to pass on the entire conversation to Mr.ASS (Mr. Ayyo Swami Sriranganathan).

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Chapter 6 - 60 Cents and the White House

The Chief of FNCBIISA '60 Cents' reaches the White House to brief the President of the United States of America - Ms. Condolezza Chapathi. The Security Personnel of the White House (dressed in a black Armani suit, White Shirt, Black Tie, Ray Ban Goggle, M1911 Colt .45ACP Handgun and of course a earphone connected to the right ear) stop '60 Cents' and his two body guards (The two of them Agent Gobar Ganesh and Agent Champat Chooni are actually RAW agents who had managed to infiltrate into the FNSCBIISA and become the Chief's personal bodyguards). 60 Cents blurts, "whoa whoa whoa whoa! yeoooo! nevah stop a 'black' man in a 'white' house!! you know who I am...?"; the White House Guard said, "aren't you the Rap Artist '60 Cents'?". 60 Cents smiles and says, "yeoo man! this nigga brotha forgives you for stoppin me, cause you know me for ma music!! like ma music man??"; the White House Guard says, "Well, I aint a fan of Rap or you, but we usually use your music for torturing the terrorists in Abu Ghraib!! I hope that answers your question!"...60 Cents looks at his own Body Guards with embarrassment. The next moment, 60 Cents whips out his FNSCBIISA Badge and says, "Yeo Homie! you don't let me and ma men meet the President, you would be charged with being a threat to National Security...I hope this nigga brothah has answered YOUR question!!!". The White House guard gets a little perturbed, presses his ear phone and whispers into the mic; the guard nods his head and says, "We have a clearance to let you in and meet the President, but not dressed like this!!" pointing at 60 Cents' dress! (60 Cents was dressed in a hooded white sweatshirt, red DKNY Cap, really loose jeans which was almost about to drop while revealing his red Calvin Klein undergarment, white sneakers and of course 'lots of' gold and silver dog chains hangin around his neck which he borrowed from another gangsta rap artist -canine...err sorry...K9). 60 Cents growls back, "whoa whoa whoa you do not tell a nigga brothah how to freakin dress that you white skinned swine!!!". "alright! alright! go ahead...!" said the White House guard and continued.."...but don't forget to share the copy of your latest album 'Hip Hop till you Drop' with that we could turn some more convicts at Abu Ghraib into dead meat!". 60 Cents looks at his own bodyguards from the corner of his eye with utter embarrassment while they head towards the Oval Office and says,"these white skin dumb heads know nothing bout Hip Hop man!".

As the three of them walk in the White House, Agent Champat as a part of his covert operation, was secretly clicking photographs of the insides of the White House using his Kodak disposable camera (which he had brought from a flea market in Ooty for Rs. 50) and Agent Gobar was dropping leaves in every room he crossed. Agent Champat watched in horror as Agent Gobar kept throwing banana leaves all over the White House! While 60 Cents was looking elsewhere, Champat came running to Gobar and whispered hoarsly.. " What the hell are you doing?? Why are you dropping those leaves all over the White House??!!"..Agent Gobar replies proudly, "I am an Electronics Engineer from the elite institute of IIT Mumbai and after my graduation I joined the secret service (RAW); during the initial days of my training the lecturer had given some insight into the concept of getting information using 'leavesdropping'". Champat says, "You IITian dumbass idiot, it is 'eavesdropping' and not 'leavesdropping'!!!"; Gobar retorts, "How can I be wrong? I am from IIT.... according to the Theory of Relativity, space and time are actually same irrespective of the frame of reference; and according to Scientist Robert Pseudopunk in his book 'Particle Physics Explored' in the Chapter 5, Page 212, para 3, line 4, all matter and energy however different they may seem in terms of its structure, size, mass and behaviour in Newtonian or Einsteinium physics, they are actually made up of fundamental particle called Quarks, and to explain this ...."; Agent Champat shouts "Gobar!! Wait!! Wait!! Wait!! Shut the hell up!!..My goodness gracious!!! Man..I gotto tell you this..just like all the are just a pile of are trash! Just shut the hell up, stop throwing those leaves or leavedropping or whatever shit you were doing and follow me quitely!!". be continued....

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Chapter 5 - Operation Chicken Curry

The RAW agents had enough information to stop the sabotage attempt on Operation Mangal (Indian Mars Mission), as they had recorded the entire conversation in 'The Rendezvous' between 60 Cents, L.F.H.Noodal and P.Pervez on a Tape using a 2in1 Tape Recorder which was connected to one of the 40 Mics installed over there. (by the way the Tape Recorder was gifted to Abbas Bhai on the day of his marriage by his in-laws as dowry). The next step was to nab the moles buried deep inside the Parliament - the power center of India. The Chief of RAW was Ayyo Swami short ASS!(a Top Ranking IPS officer and a lover of Sambhar Vada & Curd Rice with Nimboo Achhar) ASS calls upon his team for a conference to discuss the grim issue of the foreign powers colluding to sabotage Operation Mangal. Not only that, he wanted to root out all the moles in the Parliament, Judiciary, Police, Army etc etc. He had given the job of uprooting and arresting the moles in our country to Inspecter Sulabh Sandas. Sulabh was supposed to give a report on the arrests made and action taken during this meeting. Everyone takes their seat including Mr.ASS only to find one chair empty which belonged to Inspector Sulabh Sandas. Mr.ASS speaks (in Madrasi accent), "Today, YIndia yas ya democrAAtic naytion yis yapproachinga the mYlestone yof success..we needa to do whAAt yever yit takesa to protecta yita! by the by..where is sulabh sandas?". one of the officer replies, "Sir! it is on the first left towards the end of the corridor!"; Mr.ASS retorts, "No you Khakhi dumbhead, I yam nAAt talking about Sulabh Sandas Shouchalya (toilet) but I yam talking about Inspector Sandas!". The police officer replies, "Oh!! Sir, Inspector Sandas is on his way..I believe, he has had some substantial success in nabbing the moles in the Parliment!"; as soon as he finished his statement, Inspector Sandas (a big moustached and pot bellied Inspector) enters the conference room with a huge cardboard box.All senior police officers, IPS officers and Mr.ASS stand up with astonishment; without wasting even a moment, Mr.ASS looks towards Sandas and asks, "What is that you bring in this box?"; Sandas replies, "Sir! with all due respect, I deserve a promotion for what I am about to show you plus an increment in my salary and a 1 year license from you for taking bribe from everyone I come across!". Mr.ASS said, "Good! I am happy that you are speaking with so much confidence, I am sure you must have done a great job of the orders that I gave you! your demands would be taken into consideration by our entire panel, but hey you must share 20% of the bribe with me ok?? as I need money to buy a 2 BHK flat in idlivadapuram!"; "Ok Sir! Sure" said the Inspector and opens the cardboard box and empties the content on the table! To the horror of everyone watching, there was a huge mountainous pile of dead moles, rats, bandicoots and other rodents! Mr.ASS shouts, "What the F***!!!! is this some kinda joke!!!!", Sandas says, "Sir, you only asked me to catch all the moles in the parliament, I have not only caught all of them, I have arrested and killed the rats and bandicoots too! I thought you would be happy about it!!!". Mr. ASS shouts, "Take this Sandas and flush him out! before I do an encounter of him!!".
"Mr.ASS!", continues a police officer, "this was a bad start to 'Operation Chicken Curry'! Now what do we do?". ASS replies, "Well! I am appointing an 'Ace' to do this job for me...he is an IPS topper and a very capable young lad..also known for his brutal interrogation methods and tendency to do an encounter; his name is....ACP Screw Singh!...although Inspector Sandas is an idiot, but he has a huge local intelligence network and is quite useful in getting difficult things done; I am sure ACP Screw Singh can work with him quite effectively"

Monday, November 2, 2009

Chapter 4 - The Rendezvous

'Operation Chicken Curry' was on the move; The RAW agents successfully infiltrated the ISI foothold in the Bangladeshi Slum as Paan Vendors, Tea Shop Owners, Chanmeen Sellers and their biggest mole...Abbas Bhai (all dressed in Grey Safari Suits, Plastic Sun Glasses and Brown Shoes with torn socks)! Abbas Bhai was a defector and a double agent. Although he continues to give information to ISI, but the information is what RAW wants Abbas to give, fake leads & wrong information, to make ISI's evil plans go awry! Abbas was RAW's trump card! Before 'The Rendezvous' (as the Americans called it), RAW agents had managed to set up 40 mics all around the meeting point...(sorry not the tiny invisible mics but the huge dumbell sized mics which is used on the Stage for Plays, Skits and Ramleela during Diwali)

The meeting started with '60 Cents' saying, "Yo Man, Whats wrong with u guys man!! what the hell is goin on here man?? why did ya call me to this shitty place...we could have met some place else man..nevah calla nigga brotha to sucha shitty place man..and by the way...i am hungry man...u hav some burgers or shit like that over here??..Abbas says..."oye rahim! get 2 vada pavs, 1 chanmeen and 3 chais..cheeni kum malai jyada"..he continues while looking at 60 Cents, "Cent Bhai, sorry to have called you here, but it is important that you know that the Indians have secretly changed the date for the launch and L.F.H Noodal Bhaisahib gave us a wrong information that it is being launched on 31st December, 12:00, 2047"; L.F.H. Noodal said (in a Nasal Voice), "How dare youn question the Chiineeese Communist Intalligance! Wee are theee cheeeapest Intalligance uuunit in the wooorrld!!!". Abbas said, "Shut up you idiot! cheap is cheap not the best..who ever told you it is the best?". Pervez speaks up for the first time, he said "U-JOKE..." L.F.H. Noodal reacts "uu thinkk i am joking!!??"; Pervez says "no no i meant U-JOKE...."; Noodal reels with anger "I dont joke abouut seerious isssuues!! how dare u??"; Pervez shouts, "you communist idiot!! i am talking about United Jehad of Kashmiri Eglatarians!! U-JOKE in short"; Noodal says with a smile, "aahh ok ok it...a communication izz like a tibetan gap..hehehe". Pervez continues "So, U-JOKE has collectively decided that the Indian Mars Mission has to be destroyed as it is the best occasion to send a message across the globe; anyone messes with us, they will face the wrath of the Jehadis and the Hardliners". 60 Cents asks, "Yo man! wats the Mars shit got anythin to do with yur jehad?!!, I dont know...and I dont care...this nigga brotha knows that we have some mining and diggin shit goin up there in Mars, and we don't want the indians' to see nothin; whats your take Mr. Noodle?". L.F.H. Noodal says, "By the way, pleeease taake ma naame propahlee, ma naame is Noodal and nota Noodle; and I too want to destroy the indi mars mission bcoze, Indi cheeni can nevar bcom bhai bhai..we hate democracy we love pseudo-communism cum actual-dictatorship..thats the way we are - idiots...and thats the we always wanna be...hehehe..we love tibet and arunachal pradesh and sikkim..and.."; Abbas retorts, "Shut up Hakka Noodle...listen to me first, if we seriously want to sabotage the mission lets know when they are launching the Space Shuttle..Hakka tells me that its 31st December, 12:00, 2047, but the information that I received is that they are launching on 1st Jan, 2048, 12:01!!!that is next year!!!"; 60 Cents was like, "Yo man, I thought you Chinese were good with intelligence and shit like that; I am givin this brown man abaas to do the intelligence gatherin job". Pervez asks, "so who is doing what, lets conclude our meeting..Abbas you get us more information, I will arrange 2 fidayeens and 2 human-bombs(brainwashed zombies) from U-JOKE, 60 Cents would give the tactical nuke which we will couple with chinese processors, gps and integrated circuits given by that agreed upon?". Hakka said "Yeeea! I agree", 60 Cents said "Yo Man I am cool with it" Abbas also agreed and everyone parted ways...with 60 Cents doing his gangsta rap...

Yo man!!

"rockets, bombs, fusion and fission
we wanna destroy the mars mission!!!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Chapter 3 - The Covert Operation...Continued...

So, now even the US did not want India's MARS mission to succeed! The ISI (Pakistan's Secret Service) joined hands with the American FNCBSIIA and Chinese Intelligence to sabotage the IMM (India Mars Mission) which was officially codenamed 'Operation Mangal' ('Mangal' is the Sanskrit name for 'Mars'). India was not far behind in understanding the evil designs of the 'Amreeki Hukumat' (read it as USA; Director of the FNCBSIIA - Mr. Tom Dick Harry Jr. aka '60 Cents' a Gangsta Rap Artist in his free time; by the way, he got this job because of the 99% resevation quota for the Male Convicts of African Origin), 'Pervasive Pervez' (Pakistan's omni-im-potent leader of ISI and U-JOKE – United Jehad of Kashmiri Egalitarians) and Lung Fung Hakka Noodal (the Military Strategist for the Pseudo-Communist China and also the Chief Architect of their brutal intelligence agency - the CIA: Chinese Intelligence Agency...known for its infamous chop-stick assassinations of a couple of democratic leaders in China).

Our desi RAW (Research & Analysis Wing) agents were closely monitoring the movement of 60 Cents, P. Pervez and L.F.H. Noodal from various parts of the world. The desi RAW agents dressed in Grey Safari Suits, Plastic Sun Glasses (brought from the Tibetan Market for Rs. 20) and State of the .303 Rifles were unstoppable. They found that 60 Cents was using 'Airforce One' as a decoy and was actually sending 50 Cents instead of himself in that flight; 60 Cents used a Cycle-Rickshaw to reach the rendezvous point...'ISI Headquarters' which was actually a Bangladeshi Slum in New Delhi. P. Pervez and L.F.H. Noodal were already there and were enjoying the adulation and respect of the slum dwellers (who were actually ISI Moles). L.F.H. Noodal was feeling hungry so Abbas Bhai got some Hakka Noodle from the Chanmeen Stall (read it as Chowmein Stall) and all smiled at the cultural similarities between China and India as Lung Fung Hakka Noodal's name and the dish at the Chanmeen Stall (Hakka Noodle) were similar.